Complicated Grief

Grief can complicated.

Complicated Grief

Let me explain. When a relationship with someone is not healthy and then they die, it isn’t a regular kind of bereavement. There are questions that are unresolved. There are memories of injustices. You may even forget the positive memories, as I did. We grieve not just the loss of the person, but also the loss of what should the relationship should have been.

Today is the 5th anniversary of my sister’s death. Growing up as children we were very close. We did everything together. We went to school together, played together and fought together.

As young adults we shared a flat and we shared the same friends group. But when I got married and had my first child thins started to change. Although she had been incredibly excited right up to the last trimester of the pregnancy, when the baby was born things became challenging.

My new son was getting my parents’ attention as well as my and my husband’s attention. I should mention that my sister had mental health issues.

As I had my 2nd 3rd and 4th children and as my husband became successful, my sister resented me more and more. She loved her nephews and nieces but it was me who she took it out on.

She was never award of the intense struggles that I was going through. I told her that the last time I saw her.

She was suffering from cancer but she didn’t die from it She died from the complications of diabetes. She was due to have an amputation that morning, and she died a few hours before the operation.

I went to see her body and said repeatedly, “I’m sorry, I forgive you, I love you.”

Her death wasn’t a surprise to me because the carer who looked after her and my mother kept telling me every time I rang up that she was going to die. In fact he spent so much time telling me all the health issues that I often didn’t get the chance to speak to my mother and sister because he had exhausted me.

It didn’t help that he also told me that she was very angry with me before she died. I had promised her that I would go to see her on the Monday afternoon. In the event I didn’t go. I had always assumed that was the reason for her anger.

But I’m not really sure what the reason was. The carer had allocated visiting times to himself, then me, then a friend of my sister. But he had left my mother, who had dementia, in my care. And instead of coming back to get her so that I could go to the hospital, he took advantage of the time to do some errands. By the time he got to me, I had already missed my slot as it was time for the friend’s visit.

So this evening I wrote a text to the carer to ask the reason for her anger. I am hoping this will provide me with an answer to my questions and help to give me peace about my sister.

Earlier this year, on reflecting that I couldn’t think of any positive memories of my childhood, I decided to think of some and wrote them down. As the list grew I made a recording, and now I listen to them every day. It has been the single most helpful thing I have done to heal my complicated grief.

If you are experiencing complicated grief, I would be happy to have a conversation. You can book a no strings call with me here.

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I help women and men like you to love themselves and  connect with their emotionally distant partners, so that they find their happy ever after. I am a Christian but I love working with couples from other faiths too.

I live in the Caribbean with my husband. We have 4 adult children, one dog and two cats.  

Looking forward to getting to know you and helping you to fix your marriage.

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