This question “Why won’t my wife have sex with me?” is one that I come across all the time. And I can sympathise with the feeling of rejection that you are experiencing. You are helping around the house, babysitting the kids so she can go out with her girlfriends, buying her flowers, working out. Doing all the things, but nothing seems to work.
There are many reasons why a wife does not want to have sex with her husband. I will outline a few here but you can be sure there are more.
- Her emotional needs are unmet
- She has fallen out of love with you
- She has had a baby and is too tired
- Her hormones are out of whack
- She can sense something is wrong
1. Her Emotional Needs are Unmet
When you say you are doing all the things, how do you know you are doing the things that she actually wants? It is very possible that all she wants is to have your time. Women mostly process their emotions out loud. When your wife is venting, all she wants is for you to listen to her, empathize with her and validate what she is feeling. That means give her permission to feel what she is feeling and let her know you are there alongside her in that emotion. She does not need you to fix her or tell her what to do. She would probably love you to hold her.
2. She has fallen out of love with you
If she has fallen out of love with you, this is likely to be as a result of her emotional needs having been ignored or suppressed for a long time. It is not necessarily your fault. If she never learned good communication skills then she would not know how to ask for her emotional needs. On the other hand if you work all the hours that God sends, then she will have felt ignored and there will be a lot of resentment that has built up. (See 1).
3. She has had a baby and is too tired
If she has had a baby recently and is too tired, you will have to be patient. Even if it is not her first baby, it will still take time to adjust to having another tiny person in the family. Help her out with looking after the little one, and encourage her to look after herself. That suggestion alone will go a long way. Plan some date nights that are not too far from home, and that are relaxed so that she doesn’t have to worry about not looking her best. Remember that she is spending all her energy looking after the baby. It is important to communicate with patience and try to reassure her that you are there for her. (See 1).
4. Her hormones are out of whack
There are several reasons for hormonal imbalances. If she is menopausal, she may be willing to have her hormones checked. Younger women like to have sex because they are in love, and it is fun. As women mature, they get to know themselves better. They value themselves more, so sex becomes something that they can only do if they feel mentally, emotionally, and spiritually connected. This is your opportunity to really work on your relationship and build a deeper connection. (See 1).
5. She can Sense Something is Wrong
Women are very intuitive and have an uncanny ability to know if something is going on. If you are involved in any romantic flirtation at work she will sense that something is not right. Similarly, any sexual activity that does not involve her will block the connection that she needs to feel in order to make love with you. Even if all you are doing is looking at pretty women who walk past, that can be enough to doubt herself and put her off. She needs to know that she is the only one for you. (See 1).
Finally, you may need to change your mindset. Rather than thinking about “getting sex,” for yourself, think of it as something you do mutually to create an intimate connection. Using the phrase “making love” will help you to remember this. Instead of asking yourself “Why won’t my wife have sex with me?” try asking her “What can I do to help you feel loved?”
If you want to know about the affects of pornography on a marriage read Is Porn the Same as Adultery?
