You are not Responsible!

You are not responsible for how other people react.

Nor for how they feel about you. That is entirely their concern. Your job is to be the best and most authentic version of yourself. You have permission to express your feelings, as long as you do them without criticism. And you don’t need to ask permission to voice your vulnerabilities, your ambitions, and your ideas for your own life.

This post is inspired by several conversations I have had recently.

The first was a coaching conversation where it was obvious that the client refused to take responsibility for their life. I had already explained in writing and verbally that “I won’t tell you what to do.” However the client wanted me to do just that, saying “You’re the coach.” The answer to almost every question I asked was “I don’t know.” I held the space, I asked great questions and I challenged the beliefs. But ultimately it’s the client’s responsibility to take ownership for their life.

In another conversation, with a family member, I was talking about living my life for me and not caring what other people think. Having been a people pleaser in the past, I was stating how I will no longer modify my life or work to please others. Often our family members tell us what to do, but it is not them who are living our lives, so it really is none of their business. If I embarrass my family members that is their problem, not mine!

In yet another conversation I came across a couple who were very stressed. They both believed that the husband was responsible for his wife’s happiness. But the wife was determined to make that impossible. While we should all try to contribute to our spouse’s happiness, we are not responsible for managing their emotions. They are.

What does this mean for you?

So I want to encourage you to stand up for yourself. Give yourself permission to be as goofy, crazy or determined in your career as you like. And allow yourself to detach from regulating someone else’s emotions. Other people can learn to accept you as you are or walk away.

I am certainly not excusing any kind of toxicity as something that people should accept.  We can all learn to change for the better, and we should all look to ourselves for our contribution to a toxic situation.

Similarly, if your spouse is being abusive, it is not your fault. But you do have a responsibility to yourself and to your children to learn to stand up for yourself, speak out and get some help. Know that you are not responsible for their happiness, but do take ownership for your own! Your happiness matters.